i started out this day, this first day of classes of university day ready to make friends. (three of which i did made along with another cool crush) and then how come i can only think about what happened in the morning?

me and a new friend of mine from my building where coming out from a coffee shop on campus. my other friend who works there called out my name to say goodbye and i turned back and answered. that is when we walked through the doors and passed by these two black guys with my new friend and one of them sang "light skin is the right skin." instead of being able to search through for homework and start anything that i'm suppose to do for tomorrow the only thing i can think about above the goodness of the first day is how i can problematize the thinking that has gotten me to this point in my life when it comes to how i view my skin color.

no matter what happens this is the skin i was given, everything that comes with being a black women, an african canadian is what i was given. but now it even comes down to black men (he was even my skin color) singing out ignorance. i really don't take offense in the way that "OMG-A-BLACK-GUY-DOESN'T-LIKE-ME!" sort of way because he wasn't even my style. it just kind of pisses me off that people think that they can look in the mirror and hate themselves and then try and spread that kind of hatred towards others.

i've had to deal with that kind of thing for most of my life when i found out that some black people aknowledge and try and separate to every degree the difference between light skin and dark skin, carribean and african etcetc. always trying to exclude people. i thought about it for a bit and i don't know what i could have said to him since we were passing and i had to double take before understanding what he had said.

a few of my thoughts were:

"HEY ASSHOLE, WANT TO REPEAT THAT?!"

and were circlated around things like that. however, once i stepped into my women in society class in the books i have some intelligent ways to challenge people when they try and pull things like that. i'm passed the point of looking down on myself when people want to judge others in that way. i feel a little suffocated like no matter what i do i can't escape those sort of situations just because of what i am. but i don't want to be trapped in that sort of cage/vicious cycle where i start to believe things like that people it's not going to help things in anyway.

but instead of climbing into a hole i want to like scream out and say "so i'm dark skinned? so what?! even if i was purple your ass wouldn't even be on the waiting list!" that kind of confidence is like pouring through. mostly because even before this day i was on my breezy "everything in life lives in danger" mentally. just letting things go and come as they please while allow new things to come along. just the whole experience of life, darling. without what happened today i wouldn't have an insane urge to write and like protest and get things shaking and moving and remember all that passion i have not to be a victim anymore but an agent of awesome change.

i just wish sometimes that i did not have to double take before allowing my feelings to flow out like "oh, what if their scared because of black?" "oh, what if i look too "dark" in this?" "damn, let me turn on the flash." i want to accept myself fully for who i am so i won't care whether there are people out there with ignorance that don't. because there are lots more who want to get to know me for who i am too.

i'm back from visiting uofw and other than the amazingly 'take your breath away and throw it back to you' -esque scenery i don't have a reason to stay there. the specializations that it has are no where close to what i need so i can't really force myself to go there just because its...pretty and big. i think i have to move away from the shallow aspects of my personality starting from now.

alrighty, the main point though was to talk about fandom in asia after being touched almost to tears from yeonin's complete long distance oppa-love support. seeing, as interspection is needed right now in a time where i have kept mostly everything to myself this becomes a major plot point in my life. consistancy. long distance.

the longest period of time that i have ever done anything that i have chosen myself is writing. which is going on 3-4 years. seriously. everything else in my life has been here today gone tomorrow. close friendships, crushes, even family members in out and out with all the destruction that it leaves behind. but no matter how much fighting (inwardly) i do, writer's block i get, time i spend bored or depressed, even times i have given up writing for good (that one long cold 3-ish months of pure insanity)--writing is the only thing that i return to. in poetry form, novel, screenplay, etcetc. though i have been thinking a lot that it is the only thing i can do (though moments of self depreciation can sneak up on a girl) it's really the only thing that i want to do. and the longest i have been able to keep myself doing anything with my slightly addictive personality...(i even find myself getting bored of books now with no where to put all my stacks of them).

back to the point. i was touched by the fangirls' support of an oppa even though most of the time me and my friends are saying how much a number of reckless ones harm the ones that they claim to love. but when it comes down to it no matter how crazy those individuals may seem there is still some kind of beauty in the time that they take to care about how well the careers of their singers, actors, etc go. it seems a lot more sincere than the western world when it comes to fandom. and again, beautiful and scary when it comes to the extremes.

honestly, to tie in...? i'm wondering if i can expand and comit to something other than writing for such a long period of time. for individual stories? most of them lay incomplete on my computer wasting space. but i finish things. a book of poems, a tv script, a novel, fanfics that will never see the light of day. i find myself getting more serious about writing and then wondering where everything else is going to fit in.

today one of my friend's called but i already felt the pull away. i give advice. i'm helpful to them. but i feel as though i'm always so open and giving in the beginning of something always going out of my way and then after it is taken advantage of i start to pull away slowly but surely. i get less involved and then i just stop being involved. it's cute for a while. having people call me with their things. but when i start to break down or need someone and look at the phone, dial but everyone is busy...? that's when it becomes harder to care. especially when the things that are being talked about is insignificant compared to overseas. beloveds in china r.i.p.

beautiful and crazy isn't only for fans but also for the world. it's this place full of wonder but we close our eyes when it comes to the parts that we don't understand like earthquakes taking away school kids. like not people not having enough food but having others with fancy cars in the drive way. like not wanting to go to gym class since your legs are tired but someone else getting surgery for an artifical limb. it's not fair at all and so confusing that the world can both. beautiful and crazy at the same time.

i feel that it takes a little bit more for me to pretend everyday that trival problems are worth my time. the only set of time that i have here in this dual place. no one likes to think about the time that they have, i feel reluctant myself to reflect on it even in this mini sort of way but i've been also trivalizing my life into little compartments of what i don't haves or boring myself with things that in the past i frowned upon in a way.

i feel that i changed from the beginning of high school but like a wave. both up and down when the situation demanded it of me. i've changed yes. but it's become a more realistic view of things that i used to candycoat (when it comes to myself since i have tried the "truth" and it doesn't work). i don't know. here i am as a girl in the world with contridicting images of herself, trying to piece everything together again. but i won't be able to use glue of course...just the best thing for me. words. :)

i was happy. i was so happy that i thought that anything was possible. i ruled my life and choices like no tomorrow. i believed in the good & that i could choose my own happiness. anyday, all the time.

but not i'm not happy. i'm not happy in the least and i don't care who knows. i don't care about pretty clothes, dramas, or even makeup. i have been broken. i'm broken because i thought that this was it. that all the stupid stories and all the waiting and all the crushing was going to end and finally there was something mutal to me. and for me. i thought wrong.

fine, i thought so wrong that it still hurts.

why, do they have to be so close to me? why, when i'm trying to let go is the person that is there so close to me? my brother's bestfriend? why, does a girl who suppose to be my friend only ask me about him? why can't i say his name in my head without flinching?

i'm so confused. i really don't have anything to believe in. i'm broken and falling apart and no one knows it or cares. this feeling is so consuming. its worse than being bullied and having to run away from both the bullies and your friends. it's so much worse because i thought that it was over and i surrendered to madness. to him. and he has become my weakness. the only thing that i thought existed. he became my happiness. he became my pain. he became my eyes, hears, mouth, fingertips, body. i knew and only saw him.

now i am blinded to what i once knew. i can only break down and cry. i can only break down and i can't take this indecision anymore. i am no longer annoyed by couples blocking my way; i ache for it but when it comes i run. i am no longer the person who thinks of herself as the happiness maker. i can't think of myself as that anymore when i let him be the end all.

i don't know how it got so deep into my skin. dark and diease-filled. insignificant yet earth shattering. i want to shake her to get her away from me. to get her away from him. to get him away from me. to get away from wanting him. it's a sickness. it's maddening. i haven't ever felt this desperate for some kind of release in my life. i want someone to tell me how to get rid of it. i want to get rid of everything. i want to change my name. i want to make myself disappear. i want the person that i was to come back. i want someone to care about this moment. i want my grades to not be affected this. i want something to work out in my favor. i really really want to stop crying. i want to believe in something. i want to believe in what remains. i want to know that the part of me that can get over this is somehow still inside of me.

i want the earth to stop shaking and hurting people. i don't want to be scared to walk home at night or look people in the eye. i want to be able to love again instead of push it away. i want to be brave and fearless instead of insecure and hateful. i want to care again about everything instead of letting it walk past me. i want to try again. i want to have nine lives. i want to be reborn and start this over again (the right way). i want to be proud of who i am. i want to become someone i can be proud of. i want to remember what control feels like, what goosebumps feel like, what free laughter feels like, what dancing like no one is watching feels like, what music that makes me want to cry from its beauty feels like.

what singing freely feels like. what true friendship feels like. what beautiful dreams feel like. what post confession highs feel like. what complete trust and faith feels like.

i don't feel like time is helping only keeping me trapped in this place that hurts. i don't know where to go next. i have no reason to run away and i don't have a reason to stay (for next year - uni). there are only questions left for me... i don't want to talk about anything without substance. i don't want them to have to go through what i am or repeat my mistakes. i have no patience to see if it is happening for sure. i've just been keeping everything inside instead of saying it outloud. emotional and dangerous. i don't want to be saved by someone; i just want to remember how to save myself. i want what i'm feeling to matter since it feels real to me. it's something that i can't let go. no matter how stupid. no matter if i'm going to look back and feel that it was a waste of time. i don't deal with my problems and minimize them until i "forget." i have to get healthy.

+

ONE! by EPIK HIGH
Time is tickin′. T-Time is tickin′, tickin′.
Time is tickin′, T-Time is tickin′ away…

(Tablo)
I want to see your tears pour out, pour out without reason
No one knows inside your heart, The glass fragments raging a storm
(Tablo)
The wounds become a sickness, All doors become a wall
I’ve become an enemy in the mirror, doesn’t it hurt?
(Mithra)
[I'll] keep anyone from knowing about you, [I'll] leave the breath to tighten out
I’ll force you to choose the end, (aren’t I bad?), I’ll take away all reason in this world for you to to stand
(Mithra)
Without the choice of the road back, [I guess] you’ll walk to the end
Your breath would probably end before my heart
(JiSun)
Wounds… Scars… Tears… Flowing
(When you cry. though you try. say goodbye. the time is tickin′)
(JiSun)
You are wandering through death, (I’ll save you…)
(When you cry. though you try. say goodbye. the time is tickin′)
You are the one.
When you’re walking in shadows
(When I’m panicking in the shadows, my breath does the same)
you are my savior
I’ll reach my hand out to you
(When all the doors in the world close for me, I’ll support you with my hand)
you are the one. you are my savior.

Time is tickin′. T…

(Mithra)
Your hand set the world on fire, You closed everyone’s eyes
* The suffering that was reflected in your eyes like stars become your city
(Mithra)
Are your still dreaming, sleeping? Are you measuring all the tears you’ve shed?
Hope is a paper boat that sinks, isn’t it sad?
(Tablo)
Maybe you wake up drenched in sweat at night, Is consciousness crawling on the floor?
Are you thinking it’s the end, are you ok? ’cause I understand
(Tablo)
I’m a scar on your broken body, I’ll erase the tears you’ve hidden away in your shattered marriage
I’ll grab your hand With my hand and trust you
(JiSun)
You are wandering through death, (I’ll save you…)
(When you cry. though you try. say goodbye. the time is tickin′)
You are the one.
When you’re walking in shadows
(When I’m panicking in the shadows, my breath does the same)
you are my savior
I’ll reach my hand out to you
(When all the doors in the world close, I’ll support you with my hand)
you are the one. you are my savior.

you are the one. you are my savior.

(Tablo)
Do you have wounds, do you have scars, Are you wandering through shadows?

(Tablo)
Do you have wounds, do you have scars, Are you wandering through shadows?
(Faith, Destiny, Love.)

* you′re still beautiful to me.

You are the one.
When you’re walking in shadows
(When I’m panicking in the shadows, my breath does the same)
you are my savior
I’ll reach my hand out to you
(When all the doors in the world close for me, I’ll support you with my hand)
Time is tickin′. T-Time is tickin′, tickin′.
Time is tickin′, T-Time is tickin′ away…

My savior.

ONE!